This actually started out as a reply to a comment to my new blog-friend, Eunice...but now, it's taken on a life of it's own. I said before there might be a few of these journal-ly joints...That was never my intention at the outset of this blog, but like I said, life is strange. And by the way, my friend is NOT in love...I was told emphatically...
Because, I am new in town and have no friends except the two cats I am watching right now, by the way, cats are really weird!! I've never had them and while I have developed an appreciation for them, they're still strange creatures...
Anyway as I said, I've been thinking about this dream a bit more and I've determined that it's really about what I am and am not willing to accept now. In the past, everything that he did or said to me I accepted and, kind of tried to fix. Not in the sense that I tried to change him or take on his problems, but more that I tried to understand his issues and talk to him and be there. I think I may have tried to 'fix' things for myself so that I could make him be something other than what he is within myself. The thing is I never forced him to do anything or tried to control a situation, because really how can you force a grown man or anybody, for that matter, to do anything. It was more that I tried to keep myself from drowning in him, losing me in him, and it happened once, the first time around. So, I've always been aware. Aware, but not ready. I held on to him, there was always the specter of him. Because, c'etait vraiment le coup de foudre avec lui, c'est vrai. Vous pouvez lui demandez, il va vous dire. Il ne peut pas le nier...
I still loved him and let him be in my universe regardless of what he had done. AND that was my issue. He has this phenomenal side to him: so smart and creative, so talented. I can't stress how intelligent he is, and I've always loved that. I'm mature enough, after everything, to be able to say that. But I know now that the cold, vindictive, mean, cruel side of him is just that, a side of him, a part of him and not just a function of adverse circumstances as I believed before. It was never that I felt sorry for him, or that I wanted to be his caretaker because he has issues or he swayed my opinion or controlled me. God, if he'd been able to do that, we'd probably be married with kids somewhere, because that's a big part of what he wants in a woman, I think. When I think about that I know I'd be an abused wreck, but that's another story... Anyway, I'm seeing how much this is about my issues now. Not that I take any of the onus off of him, he definitely can call a huge part of this all his own. But I am thinking about me now...
My own issues had me thinking that somehow, family, friends, and lovers could treat you badly and you had to accept it. I have only known situations where people ran hot & cold, where I was taken for granted, or underappreciated and at times envied. In sharing this, I am not expecting pity or sympathy I am simply providing the context, my context. I accepted this sort of treatment from a young age, because it is all I have ever known. I knew it wasn't quite right, but I believed for a long time that some people just treated you badly and if you love them you have to accept it. In fact, that's what I was taught, more or less. I thought I was just doomed to a life of emotional unfulfillment and that I had to take what I could get.
I have begun to see recently that I was holding onto my ex for that reason. Because he is the ONE (and I do believe that), because maybe I have known him in another life, I was holding on, waiting, hoping, without even realizing it. I wanted someone to give me what I needed so much and I wanted more than anything for it to be him.
He could not. He cannot. He will never be able. I'm not sure that he ever even wanted to. That's what he has been trying to tell me all of these years.
but...
I just didn't want to listen.
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