Eyes on the prize

This was my horoscope today*:

Rachel, Within the struggles of your daily routines, there's enough that is new to keep you on your toes. There's a part of you that is nostalgic for the good old days. Oh, to be bored and comfortable, but this isn't in your cards now, Scorpios -- the future is on the way. Maintain your routines until the next adventure begins.

I am not ruled by these sorts of things, but this on is right on. As I have considered quitting my job until my real one starts in August. I am frustrated now, because I don't like wasting my time anymore, I feel, after all that's happened, that it is far too precious. I look back on the last 8 years or so of my life, as a teacher, a job I only really liked for about 3 years. I held on for another 3 because I was comfortable, unhappy, but that unhappiness was so familiar, like a security blanket that kept me safe. Then, I look back my ex, and I realize that I was focusing on the good in him, which is really only a small part of him. I didn't want to accept that someone I loved could be dishonest, lazy, trifling. He suffers from a painful lack of self-esteem and is incredibly threatened by everything about me. He is what the French call an arriviste, which is something like an opportunist, but connotes something a bit more negative and unsavory. In any case, I have very little respect for people like that, but I minimized that in him and really, IT'S WHO HE IS!! He is never willing to work hard for anything difficult, he will never try anything new that he is not absolutely sure he will be good at. I pity people like that. I am not like that, but...well, there are other cases, even with other people in my life and I can't go back. I can't start swimming back to the shore, I have to continue on to the other side. I started this whole journey to change my career, to make myself better, not to get stuck once again in the mire of a failed relationship with this man or in the dissatisfaction with a job, no matter how temporary. I can't waste anymore time.

So, my security blanket is gone and I am very uncomfortable these days, very frustrated, very unsure of the day-to-day of it all, but unwaveringly sure of the future. Thanks, Eunice, for your post, it also helped. Thanks, Sirlester, for your support and laughter and jokes. Thanks, Jesus, for being you and helping me stay grounded, focused, and realistic. Thanks, K.S., for forcing me to see that you are not at all what I thought. And thanks to me, for being a girl I can be proud of.

*horoscope from Tarot.com