Things that should never be done on public transportation....

These days, I don't own a car, and I like that. Public transportation gets you out and about. You are forced to interact with people, the world around you. It even keeps you grounded, let's face it, you really can't be too proud when you're taking the bus. It is one of the great equalizers of our times. It is also a great way to learn your way in a new place. It was certainly true of my life in Chicago, before I became a quasi-yuppster. Even as a teenager, when I lived in Paraguay, I got to know the bus system well and the ferries that shuttled you between Posadas in Argentina and Encarnacion where I lived. A few years ago, when I traveled to Denmark frequently, I mastered the bus system there too. And, Paris, the city of my heart, I mastered the Metro, and it is becoming true of Seattle, where I now call home.*** Throughout these experiences, I have learned that there are just certain things you shouldn't do on public transportation. I have found, in my travels, that people are tacky and mal élévé around the world. We all have our moments, but we all know, in the name of all things holy, that public transportation just is not the place for...

1. Eating anything that requires a knife and fork...
2. Eating barbeque. Yes, all my people on the SOUTHSIDE, this means you.
3. Eating anything, for that matter, unless you have some sort of medical condition...
4. Painting fingernails or removing fingernail polish...
5. Clipping toenails. Yes I saw it, I would not lie about this...
6. Removing braids or extensions. Yes, all my people on the WESTSIDE and the Porte de la Chapelle area of Paris, this means you.
7. Picking your nose, ears, scabs, etc...
8. Farting as you walk down the aisle to get on or off...
9. Adjusting body parts, undergarments, etc...
10. Sitting in the opposite direction that all of the other seats are facing...
11. Sitting in the opposite direction that all of the other seats are facing and engaging in any of the activities on this list...
12. Reading big newspapers that you rest on people's backs/heads/shoulders...
13. Reading newspapers over other people's shoulders...
14. Drinking forties or empty Evian bottles filled with wine. We know what it is, Native Americans on the #18 in Seattle...
    
15. Putting feet/umbrellas/pets on seats...
16. Transporting chickens, iguana-looking lizards, parrots outside of cages, or at all...
17. Wearing a loaded gun strapped to your leg during rush hour, then cautioning people around you not to "push up against you" too hard...
    
18. Lying down, know matter how empty the bus is...
19. Gesturing obscenely with your tongue at anyone, but especially me, when I am trying to read, guy on the #6 direction Porte d'Italie...
    
20. Talking on cell phones...
21. Talking loudly in general about...
    
    • impending court dates, or those of your friends and family
    • selling drugs
    • your recent brain tumor removal surgery
    • your fucking bitch of a girlfriend/boyfriend
    • the fact that your SSI benefits are under question/you have to apply for WIC, etc...
      
    • the fact that some girl "blew you in the backseat of" your new Audi...
      

None of these things are acceptable and we all know it. STOP IT!! Please people, refrain from these activities and let's all pitch in to make everyone's public transit experience pleasant. It's up to us.

***For those who have asked, Paris is calling and returning in the next few years is my goal, it's in my blood now!!!