I am staying at my ex's house. The boy to whom I professed my undying love a few short months ago, the boy who factored into my decision to return to the United States from Paris. Now, I am afraid, "he gets no love from me". Wow, how things change. But I am here and he has been good enough to let me stay, although he keeps eating all of the really yummy things I cook before I can enjoy them myself, but I guess I can't complain. I can, but, I won't. I shouldn't, but I think I'm going to anyway....
So here it is, I am hoping he doesn't read this, because I really need to stay here for a little while longer while I save up for my own place, because I cannot live with anyone else. I just cannot. Fortunately, I think he would never admit to looking at my site. He would never want to appear interested in my life outside of how I relate to him, and even then....
Since coming here, we have barely spoken to each other, which I'm finding is a very good thing. When we have, which occurred this morning, he again revealed himself to be the same person I met 7 years ago. This man has not changed at all. He is still the same. He accuses me of that too, but he is looking at things about me that will never change, for instance:
- I will never take orders from any man, anyone for that matter, just because they think I should
- I will not lose myself in order to be a part of someone's life
- I will not hide my emotions/feelings/wants/needs because they make someone else uncomfortable
- I will never do anything that compromises my integrity, my feelings of self worth, etc...
And, I think it's important to point out that I would never expect these things from anyone else either.
Why did I ever like this person? A friend recently asked me that. Okay, get ready for this, because it is going to start out a little bit lame. I liked him, because we have a very strong connection to each other. We are drawn to each other. Okay, that was the lame part. Now, for what could be construed as the naive part....When we were together, it was very difficult. We were younger and it was the first time, I think, that either one of us had experienced such intense admiration or passion for another person. We both have very strong personalities...We both were going through very difficult times. Now, I say this, because I believed, that the difficult times were the reason for our problems. Everything seemed to be a competition with us, a battle of wills. When we were able to come together, however, we talked and laughed and were genuinely friends. It was clear that there was genuine love and respect. But, it seemed that each of these times ended badly, because when things went well between us, when we were happy, he always did something to ruin it and I always fell into the trap and fed into the madness. He started arguments, anything he could do, to push me away from him. Over the years, and this is where the naivete comes in once again, I believed that this was simply because of our circumstances, I could never have believed that someone would permit themselves to continue to be as screwed up as we were, that someone would want nothing more for themselves. I know I did. However, when I returned to declare myself to him in February, the same thing happened. I was decidedly different, he was decidedly not. He cannot see or maybe does not value the changes in me that were so hard won and I am so proud of. He asked me when I left him in February why I had never asked about the man he had become. But, I saw no change. I really thought about it and I saw no positive change, at least not with me. I only saw that he had lost the beauty of the boy I knew....Perhaps he thinks the same of me. It still makes me sad....
So, I learned, that it wasn't circumstance, it was him. Either not wanting or not being capable....It is us....We, it seems, are not good for each other.....I have what I think could be good for him. He does not see that, won't let me in to know for sure. He has what he thinks I need, but won't give it, hasn't taken the time to know me to really see. Right place, right person, wrong lifetime, maybe......Wrong place, wrong person, wrong lifetime. I suppose any combination is possible. Whatever it is, it's just does not working.
The road to acceptance has been rocky. I am still stumbling from time to time, but I think I'll remain on this path. There is no future for me with him and none for him with me. I thought I would never say that. It seems so unreal. In the end, I can only be grateful for this experience. It has played a huge role in making me the woman I am today. So, I have to thank him for that and now, I can "...go on 'head and kick it..." as I know my friend Jesus would counsel....
4 comments:
Maybe it's not that you aren't right for each other, just that you aren't right, right now. It sounds like you guys are both fond of each other, just are in different places right now. Maybe you'll be on the same page again, or maybe that window has passed...but I do believe that if your paths have crossed now, that they will cross again.
And what makes him oily? I meant to ask from your post the other day. :)
You & me & Rainier Light! What a combo! W
eunice, you could be right, but that's how it's always been between us. meeting, paths crossing, but now, i really think we're done. not on the same plain in the universe, (excuse the corny new age-iness). i think he hates me, or at least doesn't care about me anymore. there's lots to this story. anyway, i have often thought that i was living a real life Orlando kind of love affair with him. but it's over now. very sad, but there's nothing else to do but move on.
he isn't oily, i was just thinking when i wrote it --and this is also silly, of that scene in Pretty In Pink, i think it is-- re the grandfather describes the older sister's fiance as "...the oily variety bohunk..."
don't ask, eunice, don't ask...
i also forgot to say, eunice, that our issues go way back. i think, the window has passed. it's terribly sad to think of...but, c'est la vie de temps en temps...
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