Growing pains

It may be a good idea to preface all of this by saying that I do not have casual friends, really. I tend to go for the gusto in my friendships, not wasting time on relationships with people I don't feel have the potential for a lasting strong bond. Yes, I have acquaintances, but that's not what I'm talking about here. Now, I recently did something that I never do and that is completely ignore someone who'd responded to an email I sent, I mean I actually, put the response in the trash and hit delete without reading it.

It felt so liberating, because it stemmed from a problem that I've had with our friendship that I've been trying to resolve for a long time. It felt good. After years of being a staunch proponent of facing an issue head on, I can see now, why people do this, ignore their problems. It's pretty easy to just ignore people, blow things off. Although over time I'm sure it gets harder and the stakes get higher. Of course, it didn't end there, it never does with me. I proceeded to disect my relationship with this person for the umpteenth time. This I am sure will make me sound like a needy basket case, and let's face it, sometimes I can be, but I am a Scorpio too, so, I'll attribute it to that. Also, I'm not working and, well, let me get on with it... fortunately, the phone rang....

It turned out to be a good friend of mine who cheered me up immensely, our talk went something like this:

Him: "How are things?"
Me: "Fine, I guess."
sniffling quietly to try and hide the rather obvious fact that I'd been crying seconds before the phone rang
Him: "What's up, girl? YOU are not fine..."
Me: "Well, I'm just a little frustrated with a few people in my life."

At this point I proceeded to tell him about some of the things that recently happened, including but not limited to recent news from a friend of 13 years who had a baby in February and just informed me 2 weeks ago. In the end, my friend, who I cherish, told me in fairly uncertain terms: "Rachel, it sounds like you need to pull out that address book and what? LIQUIDATE!!"

He is right and frankly, there are more than a few names that need the old once over with a big fat pink diamond eraser (I always update my address in pencil). It is a healthy thing to evaluate your relationships and send certains packing from whence they came from time to time. I think that sometimes we hold on to people far too long, far too often, and for reasons that are far too sentimental or maybe even irrational. I am not talking about people you lose touch with temporarily because you both get busy or because some other issues have come up. With them, there is no awkwardness or uncertainty. There are no mixed feelings, these temporary lapses don't matter because with these people you are sure. I'm talking about those others, your relationships with them may have you sitting on the fence. Maybe you've just been avoiding the inevitability of removing them from your life. Or maybe you're just not sure you're being fair or giving them the benefit of the doubt.

I've come up with a litmus test of sorts for initiating this process and avoiding such sentimentality in evaluating our relationships. If any of the following scenarios seem familiar to you, you too may need to liquidate....

1. After breaking up with the last of 3 serial boyfriends, your friend
   a) decides that all she wants to do is see you and spend some time with you, she's really missed you.
   b) calls and leaves messages incessantly offering to take you to lunch or a movie, she's really bored.
   c) gets mad when you talk to her and don't seem quite as excited about her as you used to be.
   (note: the serial dating started approximately 2 years ago)
   
   
2. You make plans with a friend and each time she perpetually
   a) arrives late.
   b) doesn't show up and doesn't call.
   c) calls to say she will be late and doesn't show up.
   d) makes plans with 2 other people within an hour of the time you're supposed to get together, informing you that you'll have "...plenty of time to catch up."
   (note: you haven't seen her in 6 months)
   
   
3. You call/email your friend and leave a message, she
   a) doesn't call you back
   b) says she didn't get the message. She lives alone.
   c) says she doesn't have an answering machine and hasn't in 2 years.
   d) talks to you when you call her back a week later. When asked about it she says, "Yeah, you mean the message last Tuesday about your grandmother being sick, I got it..."
   
   
4. Your friend is pregnant/has a baby/gets engaged/gets married/moves in with someone and doesn't call to tell you immediately. Immediately meaning well, immediately.
   
   
5. Your friend offers to help you move/pack/drive you to the airport and
   a) arrives late and complains about the hard work, or does nothing.
   b) doesn't show up and doesn't call.
   c) calls to say she will be late and doesn't show up.
   d) runs into you 2 weeks later at a restaurant and doesn't mention the incident at all.
   
   
6. You're in bed with the flu/recovering from major or minor surgery/depressed and your friend has offered to help she
   a) tells you're a malcontent and you should buck up and get over it.
   b) tells you that she has to leave, you're really bringing her down.
   c) comes over, messes up the kitchen making snacks for herself, watches the latest episode of Cribs then looks at her watch, informing you that she wants make it out on road before rush hour starts. It's saturday....
   d) doesn't show up.
   
   
7. You're stranded on the side of the road/in a foreign country/at a restaurant with a date who tells you he's a No Limit Soldier, you frantically call your friend and she...
   a) asks if you can call back later, she's watching Cribs.
   b) tells you that you shouldn't have gone anyway and that she has to go, she's watching Cribs.
   c) screens her calls and lets her voicemail pick up. She finally calls 3 days later. Hey, there was a Cribs marathon on MTV that weekend.
   d) never calls and doesn't mention having received your call when you finally talk to her, justifies this by saying, "Girl, you know I never check my messages."

***Please note that the dynamic of these scenarios are not immutable, male friends, boyfriends, girlfriends or family members can easily replace the women referenced above.***

So after my conversation with my friend, I realize that here I am three weeks after a major move and the people I would cite first as my friends, if someone were to ask, are precisely the ones who have made not made much of an attempt to check to see what's going on in my life. Others, I have undervalued and will be eternally grateful for their support. But please, don't get me wrong, I am not bitter or angry, at least not anymore. I've moved through that and I am currently at the 'acceptance-stage' of it all. In the end I can only change me, not anyone else.

In the past, you could say that I was a sort of Sisyphus of relationships, pushing the rock of my lofty relationship/friendship expectations up that hill and never really realizing that under the circumstances of my behavior, issues, hang-ups and their behavior, issues, and hang-ups, it could really do nothing more than come rolling back down. To be sure, I have not been the greatest of friends all of the time. But I hope people do say that somehow I have enriched their lives in some way. Sometimes, it's just the right time to move on, with someone or without them, or in a very different way than you moved with them before. The people we spend our time with really are a reflection of who we are and where we're at in our lives and we all need to make sure that we choose carefully so that we don't find ourselves liquidating too often.