Today I am angry.
This is the first real chance I have had to sit and think and write, not in private, of course. But, it's better for me than not doing it at all.
But, I am angry. There are many reasons, but first, I am angry that I have let someone so weak and emotionally-retarded make me angry. Then I am angry that I gave myself (and was ready to give even more) to him. I don't regret having loved my ex, and I did with everything. When I realized I loved him, I cried and cried because I couldn't be with him at that exact moment. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe normally, I had this crazy nervous feeling all of the time. And then, when I finally saw him, everything was okay....It felt like home. But only for a little while. He didn't like that, me being happy, him being happy, us being happy together. Maybe if I had been a prostitute or something, he would have preferred it.
Anyway, I don't regret that I loved him, I regret that I didn't see...I didn't see him for what he really is. And, as I said, I'm angry. I'm angry that he never told the truth and that he played games with me. That he took advantage, for the second time, of my love for him and what that meant, and that he used things against me that he knew would hurt the most, and that he lied. I'm angry that he took from me and never gave and then blamed my gifts (of love and tenderness) for the demise of whatever it was that existed between us.
And for more than any other reason, I am angry now because he has made me hate him. He has taken the beauty of what I had to give, thrown it at my feet and trampled on it. He has behaved as though I am nothing. As though my respect, my admiration, my love was nothing. I am angry that I let him. I am angry that I've cried and that my eyes fill with tears as I write this....
And now, I hate him. I never wanted to; I tried so hard not to. I know that it is wrong, I believe that it is wrong, to hate anyone, that is. But, I do. I hate him.
2 comments:
Okay, stop just one second. Did you write that, or did I? Can't tell you how much I see the parallel between you and I.
The fact that he took from you and never gave back, and yet somehow, that still wasn't good enough for him and that's your fault...being mad that you're happy, even if he is...now acting as though you never meant a thing to him...eerie. I can said with 100% certainty that I feel your pain.
Your ex wouldn't happen to be the same as mine, would it? He does live in Queen Anne... ha ha
Seriously though, that does just piss you off that any man could just shatter you like that, and then walk away, without a care...how does one begin to recover from that kind of heartache?
Eunice, sadly (or maybe in the long run, happily) I wrote it. He kicked me out with no place to go, then had the nerve to contact me to ask me what I wanted him to do with my mail. Are you kidding? You throw me in to the streets with nothing and no where to go and NOW you're concerned about my mail? I know, however, that it was all a guise to see how I was or where I was staying...to ease guilt or something.
By the way he does live in Queen Anne...eerie is right.
I'm slowly making my way through this. I just can't believe he ruined everything: love, friendship, respect.
I don't know how to recover, I imagine that a piece of my soul, my heart will remain weakened always, the trick is to remember that they are not all that way....
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