Today....

It was not easy, today. I'm not sure why, I think everything is coming to a head, all of the changes the crises, the joys, the pain of the last year. I am tired. I may have said this before. I want to curl up and take a nap, but there's just not time for that right now. Soon....

I want someone to be nice to me unconditionally. People always think I don't need that for some reason. I want someone to see that I do need that and then, miracle of all miracles, do it. Yes, there are violins playing in the background as I write this....Today is just one of those days....

Anyway, In the midst of this fairly emotionally-charged haze I am walking around in, I found myself engaged in a conversation about love, soul mates, lust, pornography, depravity....Huge, I know. Please don't ask me how we managed to cover all of that and more. But, when I think about it, these topics occupy both ends of the same spectrum and it's really not so broad.

One person asked us all if we had ever found our soul mate. I had to think, because, as I may have mentioned previously, I have never necessarily believed in this concept. But when I did consider it all, the events surrounding my boy, who is no longer my boy, I came to the conclusion, that, in fact, he, despite the craziness of our relationship, is my soul mate. This person, with whom I was speaking today suggested that the person who makes "you feel like home..." is your soul mate. Hmmm, what a nice thought.

Something that recently hit me like a ton of bricks is that just because you love someone (and maybe they love you), just because you are connected to someone, just because they may be your soul mate, it doesn't mean you will be with them. None of that is a guarantee. Which may not be so sad after all, maybe it can ultimately provide a sense of peace. Knowing that there is the 'other half' of you out there, and I don't mean this in a whiny, overly romantic, 16 year-old sort of way. It also does not mean that you or they will be ready or able to be with each other or even good for each other. I knew all of this but, knowing something and living something are two vastly different things....

More life lessons, enough already....

So, I trudge on through the rest of this day, realizing that I need to make more money so that I can finally get my own apartment, that I need to call my grandmother , that I need to have more contact with my parents, that I need to pay some bills because they are late, that I need to find a yoga class, that I need to write something to try and get it published, and that I need to sleep. Right now this list seems never-ending. Everything swirling 'round and 'round in my head. "Just take one day at a time..." my boy told me not so long ago, when he was still my boy.

There is a misty rain now, all of a sudden. Seattle. But, I have to pick myself up and go out into it, go home, read more, write more, take the next step.