Another post after so long away. I will say that this blog definitely feels most like home, though I do have others.

This feels like a place to write. Really write. So I will when the need strikes.

I've been in New York. Harlem. I met a man. I spent lots of time at the Schomburg Center. I've eaten at Manna's. I've been to Crown Heights, Brooklyn....the Blue Note.

I went to library school.

Now I am in Illinois while my Harlem Love and I get things in order to get settled.

My Harlem Love.

So I'm on the move again. To New York City. I'm starting a graduate program. I've learned after several experiences not to say things like "it feels right." To be honest I'm not sure this feels right. I know that I am geeked about a program in which I will learn much, much, much about graphic design and what they call information design (or was it information architecture). I am excited about the prospect of library science and learning about it.

What I am not so happy about is sinking myself further into debt. Student loans, moving to New York. I'm not really that excited about New York to be honest. I saw myself heading to a small town in the South or in the Caribbean. But, that's life I guess. The expense though is overwhelming. I have to find an apartment, though I thought that I would get on campus housing. The expense . . . that's probably my biggest worry for various reasons. I'm going to have faith that things will just work out.

something delicious

Today I prepared a recipe from a cookbook I bought recently. It comes from Claudia Roden's The New Book of Middle Eastern Food. The dish is what I would call a Persian casserole made with basmati rice, dates, lentils, and chicken, beef, or lamb. It is flavored with cinnamon, nutmeg, and saffron. I made it with chicken, as I am trying to eat lighter these days. It was delicious. Not being entirely familiar with Persian cuisine outside of my frequent trips to restaurants in my old city, I'm not sure if it looks as it should, but I suppose I can worry about that the next time I try it. I really love Middle Eastern food. Research for some recent work I've done has gotten me interested in the cuisine. I can now count it as one of my favorites along with Mexican, Italian, and Southern cooking.

I have tried many of the recipes in Claudia Roden's book and I recommend it to anyone. One of the great things about the book --and there are many-- is that it offers recipes from countries throughout the Middle East. Many also have notes that instruct the cook on how to make a particular version of a recipe, meaning, you may be provided an Egyptian or Turkish recipe and Ms. Roden's notes let you know how you might make the Moroccan or Lebanese version of it. It's sure to make you a convert, if you don't already adore Middle Eastern food.

The end of a long hiatus?

So, I'm back. I don't know how long. So much has happened but right now I won't go into all of that. I need this spot right now because I am stumped. I have a writing assignment, a profile on someone in my class and OH MY GOD, is this woman boring. I have notes and I'm trying to make it work but...Maybe I've peaked and I just can't churn it out like I've been able to in the past. A big part of it is that I just don't write enough anymore. It's not part of my everyday. It's on my mind everyday, but I don't make it happen.

That's why I need this spot. I think of it a bit like warming your car on a winter morning. Revving it up, you know, so that things run smoothly. In the end, this is a good way of taking care of my writing, so to speak. It's gone down the toilette, I feel. But that is also another story. Now, the topic at hand is this boring woman. If I were good, wouldn't I just be able to churn this out, dazzling the masses in the process, one might ask? I don't know, she's pretty boring. And since, I've talked to her a total of about 50 minutes my entire life, the material I'm working from is pretty thin. Three pages of notes about how supportive and wonderful her husband and family are. Her current dilemma, not so much a dilemma as a heartwarming story to share with the grand babies later in life. Help. I wonder if she dots her I's with hearts? Her name isn't Candy or Tami or anything. But you know, too bad, that would make a great profile. Years of emotional abuse and neglect as a child have me convinced that healthy personal relationships are suspect. That might be overstating it a bit, certainly emotional stability and support can make for good writing (and reading). We'll see what I come up with. Maybe I'm just jealous.

I'm also feeling sorry for myself and that takes focus. Redirecting the considerable energy required for self-pity is no small feat. But I must. Maybe I'll make some popcorn. N0, no snacking. Procrastination is a sneaky whore isn't she?


Oh, yes, it's due tomorrow. I better raise up and get to work, y'all.

Peace in the Middle East.

There I go...

So here I am. The last post, maybe forever, maybe just for awhile. I don't know. I don't know anything, haven't for quite some time.

But I'm going to keep on moving. I feel as though this is a momentous occasion, some sort of watershed in my life, although I know it is not. But it really feels like this is closing a chapter of my life. Much has changed since I started this and as usual, they were all the things that I secretly hoped wouldn't, or would never have expected to. But that "is the life"...That's what a French friend of mine used to say, he would always add the extra article. He also always translated the french word for neighborhood (quartier) as quarters no matter how many times I told him otherwise. That was annoying, but he was a great kisser, but that's another story...

Anyway, here I go. I still think of the boy whenever it's quiet and still or I'm alone with my thoughts, but maybe I always will, it really was that kind of love, at least for me...But I'm settling into Seattle. I even got a promotion and a raise recently and I've only been on the job a month. So now, while I still sometimes feel like a doe on shaky legs trying to balance myself and stand on my own in this new life of mine, I do think that I may finally have the ganas to make it happen...

Here I go...

this is it, what...let's get rich, what...*

I have made the decision. This will be my last week of posting to this blog. It's time to end this and move on to what I really need to be doing. This blog has helped me immensely since I began last April, but I am starting to see that it has diverted my energies from what I need to be doing. It is a time waster for me. A way of saying that I'm writing regularly without really writing. It's just not the real deal and I have to move on...

Straight from the cask said that writing is "the most beautiful and meaningful activity one can adopt." He's French, he knows these things...

I have to be about the business of writing, for real now.


*everyone knows, it's from the song "Luchini aka This Is It", Camp Lo ("Uptown Saturday Night" Profile Records, 1999), don't they?

Loneliness and Louise Erdrich

Why do I feel so terrible? I don't know. I'm in such a stinky mood lately andI'm not sure if it's the weather change -it's finally drizzly and gray for the long haul here in Seattle- or if it's because my friend will be visiting soon, or if what's going on my life is just gross. In the past this might have been a time for a little retail therapy, but I am too poor now to commit to the intensive therapy that would facilitate any true, lasting healing...

I was walking to work yesterday and I realized that my life has begun to return to what I don't want it to be. That everyday drudgery, that go-to-work- come-home cycle. I know that it is only temporary, but I'm not helping myself because I'm not doing the things that I need to do for my future, ie, writing, and for my soul, ie, writing. Why? Because I am alone here and feeling fairly lonely. I am feeling sorry for myself because the adjustment to this place has been difficult, as some of you know, and I seem to have once again taken up my most familiar past time of wallowing in my loneliness. It might be fairly accurate to say that I just know that I am a lonely person, but I guess I have to admit that I wallow in it sometimes too. Yes, I know that this is not productive and I know that the intensity of the way I am feeling is only temporary too. The fact is, I have always been keenly aware, since I was a child, actually, that I am lonely. There have only been a few times in my life when I was not.

I don't really know what to do about that, I just live with it, I guess loneliness is my companion in a sense.

Wow, does this sound pathetic or what?

I don't mean it to, it's just that I know ultimately what I need to make it go away and that's not something I can necessarily make happen on my own.

See, I am not lacking in the self-esteem department, or too shy or afraid to make friends. I am not a weirdo -at least not in a disturbing sort of way- I am not one of those people who needs constant validation from others. BUT, I am one of those people who is really strong, independent, no nonsense, and even at times, enchanting. Yes, I said it, so shut up. It's true though and I forgot one thing, I'm not arrogant or exclusive. I am sure of myself and accepting of others at the same time and I am very honest.

You would think that I might have hordes of people flocking to me. But I don't, I've realized some things in evolving into the person I describe above and am fiercely proud of, and that is a lot of people don't like those things. This is starting to sound like I ripped a few pages from the martyr handbook and posted them here, but that is my intention. I suppose I'll just have to find away to abate the loneliness. I go through these periods, kind of like phases, when I realize that I am alone. Now more than ever, because so much has changed this year and I still don't know how to reach my destination and there's no one to really help me or even accompany me on the journey, as I thought there might be a few months ago.

Anyway, I feel okay about it and I know that my own behavior, ie, not writing, is a huge cause of this. I'm postponing the thing that makes me whole. Why? No complex answer, I am being lazy, I am a procrastinator, and at times I've been feeling sorry for myself. I wonder if Toni Morrison or Louise Erdrich ever went through these things.

By the way, I went to see Louis Erdrich read passages from her new book, The Painted Drum, last night at Elliot Bay Books. God, I want to be like her. This is big, because I don't want to be like anyone, ever. Her writing is so moving, so like a painting in muted colors that captures your attention through the subtlety of its expression. Like Toni Morrison, her writing, really touches you, moves you in ways you didn't know possible.

Could I be like that? Could I touch people, move them in ways they didn't know possible? Something in me tells me that I could.

I better get on that.

By the way, stop by and say hello to Sharon. She is home now and sounds like she is doing well, which makes me feel a little less lonely...

*my favorite book by Louise Erdrich is the Antelope Wife.
**Elliot Bay Books along with 57th Street Books in Chicago have to be the most amazing independent bookstores I've been to.
***my favorite book by Toni Morrison is Song of Solomon. Oh, and the newest, Love is quite amazing too.